I used to think that
Cancer stole time from me
or perhaps
joy or hope or peace
or belief in a future
confidence in myself
what one might coin as
peaceful ignorance
I also know it stripped me
of insecurities
and insignificant anxieties-
that it simplified things
clarified priorities
purified purpose and
crystalized intention
But in the midst of the
whirlwind recreation of my identity
and construction of a new world
in the consequent years
of living on fast forward
trying to capture
fifty, sixty, seventy
years of living in four
I missed the subtle detail
--conclusion, really
which is this:
A part of me fell into a limbo
drowning in fear
and never resurfaced
and it was--it is--
terrifying in limbo
I clawed for a handhold in purpose
and, having never found one
latched onto action
racing to save lives
because death is concrete
medicine has concentrations
seconds are countable
titrations are controllable
diagnosis are rational
compressions are tangible
I fell into the patterns of my personality
to which
I added urgency to fabricated conviction
placed on the tracks of
confident impulse
and drove towards a destination
beyond the horizon
because ultimately,
Cancer stole from me restraint
or perhaps, I decided, with so little time left
there was no logic in exercising it
and in that instant, I lost
perspective
I lost my emotional periphery--
let it be overridden by arbitrary stakes
because
there isn't--
is never enough--
time
and in that breath relinquished
permission to meander
in daydream and imagination
to court opportunities
and remember what it meant to have compassion
urgency is related to fear
is the instigator of anger
unshackled by restraint
I am not who I wanted to be
when I look at myself, I see
someone, who by far
has more resemblance to the
myopic enemy
I have become consumed by this
furious tempo, unable to reign myself in
so I must conclude
despite all of my apparent successes
I have failed to overcome my trauma
Adrift in space, I latched
onto a spinning ring thinking
it was gravity
but it was just centrifugal force
and I am, for the first time in nearly five years
finally catching another glimpse of the context:
I must let go of my past
resist the drive to survive
if I want any chance at living
