Camelot

When you ask me:

What is love to you?

and

What do you mean
when you say I love you?

This is my answer:

I love the world
I would take a bullet for the world
It is my duty as a citizen
to defend you as a citizen
from the wicked
the depraved
the evil that exists

that is my baseline

but

when I say
I love you
my darling

it means that if
I had to choose
between you and the world

the world can burn.

Confession 2.24.19

I don’t know how to tell you
that I’ve bolted a hundred times in my mind today
;
my sisters have had to talk me into stillness
and remind me
of the years of compacted intimacy
and vulnerability
before I learned to trust them

"it is easier to reject someone
before they reject you
try to be braver than that"

I weave her wisdom into ropes
to tether myself
but I never learned how to tie knots

and I don’t think you understand
I am waging a battle
against myself—
against the instinct of a millions cells
in my body telling me to run from you—
from the end of this high

and I don’t know
how to tell you
that I know all of this
is external of who you actually are,
but I am struggling to maintain
the distinction

and I am losing against myself
(I don’t know how much longer I can sustain
this state of vulnerability)
and slipping away

because as heady as this is
as alive as you make me feel
the numbness and disconnect
the comfort of space on my
raw soul’s flesh
feel safer

part of me wants you to give up on me
because I know how to process that—
the resolution of abandonment
is familiar
and easier
and solitude is comforting--

and I am terrified that telling you all of this
that speaking it
even just writing it here
will breathe it into reality

and that pain
I cannot bear

Lindsay

Unapologetically bombastic

breathtakingly truthful

With you I am rediscovering 

the desire for a future past tomorrow

Confession 2.22.19

These are my confessions
on my first yoga session
shirtless:

Even in the dark
your hand cupping my fingers
your palm cradling my ribs

the voice in my head
whispering I'm repulsive
is stronger than your voice
telling me I'm beautiful
and perfect

I know you're not lying--
I can hear it in your voice--
be patient
I'm trying to believe you

CJ

Is there a word for
the moment
when two souls fall in tandem?