I don’t know how to tell you
that I’ve bolted a hundred times in my mind today
;
my sisters have had to talk me into stillness
and remind me
of the years of compacted intimacy
and vulnerability
before I learned to trust them
"it is easier to reject someone
before they reject you
try to be braver than that"
I weave her wisdom into ropes
to tether myself
but I never learned how to tie knots
and I don’t think you understand
I am waging a battle
against myself—
against the instinct of a millions cells
in my body telling me to run from you—
from the end of this high
and I don’t know
how to tell you
that I know all of this
is external of who you actually are,
but I am struggling to maintain
the distinction
and I am losing against myself
(I don’t know how much longer I can sustain
this state of vulnerability)
and slipping away
because as heady as this is
as alive as you make me feel
the numbness and disconnect
the comfort of space on my
raw soul’s flesh
feel safer
part of me wants you to give up on me
because I know how to process that—
the resolution of abandonment
is familiar
and easier
and solitude is comforting--
and I am terrified that telling you all of this
that speaking it
even just writing it here
will breathe it into reality
and that pain
I cannot bear
