First, while still in the womb,
my mother, sweating with fever
that climbed from the dry cradle inside her
through the vein that fed me,
to the arteries into her body,
and threatened to engulf us both.
Second, cowering under a car,
face ground into the oil stained cement,
chassis digging into my back,
as men threw their bodies at each other
in the name of pride.
We were so scared, Carina and I,
that one of them would realize there were two
little girls listening to them beat each other around us.
Third, as a child, feeling for the first time
the sting of rejection of a body of peers
who turned crayons into scalpels
and words into knives--
who shamed me for the first time
and brought me into the knowledge
that body image is a thing, and fat shaming is a power
more strong than the cells in my brain,
or the sweetness of my heart.
I twisted the two ends of a beach towel,
head in the loop
until my face turned candy red, then purple,
and my mother happened upon me,
and I turned and mouthed: "Look, Mommy,"
then let go and cried.
The fourth, I was 18, and stupidly, ignorantly
let a man rip out my heart.
I think I've always been a little stunted because of that,
like a tree with two limbs, where there clearly should be three.
Luckily, I had been indoctrinated enough
to think suicide was a sin,
so I tried to find someone to kill me in the
dangerous backwoods of sweet, sleepy Brunswick, Maine.
It was my saving grace. Thank...God.
The only thing that shocks me now,
is how little I feel for a man who once meant so much to me.
The fifth was when I was 20
and drank myself so deep into the bottle
I almost never came out again,
until my face turned candy red, then purple,
and my mother happened upon me,
and I turned and mouthed: "Look, Mommy,"
then let go and cried.
The fourth, I was 18, and stupidly, ignorantly
let a man rip out my heart.
I think I've always been a little stunted because of that,
like a tree with two limbs, where there clearly should be three.
Luckily, I had been indoctrinated enough
to think suicide was a sin,
so I tried to find someone to kill me in the
dangerous backwoods of sweet, sleepy Brunswick, Maine.
It was my saving grace. Thank...God.
The only thing that shocks me now,
is how little I feel for a man who once meant so much to me.
The fifth was when I was 20
and drank myself so deep into the bottle
I almost never came out again,
because I realized I had spent my whole life
training for an unattainable dream.
training for an unattainable dream.
That night my poor room mate sat with me
head by my chest, praying I'd breathe just one more time.
The sixth, was when the chemo they said
was my only hope for survival--the one that
doesn't have strong side effects on the majority of patients--
nearly killed me, nearly wrung me dry
like a water skin in a parched man's hands
so I can confidently say that I am
less so afraid of dying
more so simply not quite sated with living,
not because death is not permanent
or terrifying
or unknown
but because I am 28
and yes, that is a lot younger than many
but it is not younger than most.
This is true throughout history,
this is true, even in my own city,
my country, my world,
people more deserving than me
and less deserving than me--
head by my chest, praying I'd breathe just one more time.
The sixth, was when the chemo they said
was my only hope for survival--the one that
doesn't have strong side effects on the majority of patients--
nearly killed me, nearly wrung me dry
like a water skin in a parched man's hands
so I can confidently say that I am
less so afraid of dying
more so simply not quite sated with living,
not because death is not permanent
or terrifying
or unknown
but because I am 28
and yes, that is a lot younger than many
but it is not younger than most.
This is true throughout history,
this is true, even in my own city,
my country, my world,
people more deserving than me
and less deserving than me--
people who haven't lived long enough to deserve anything--
are dying--and that is just time.
And it brings me a sense of balance,
if not a sense of peace or complete freedom from disquiet,
that I am no more special than any other being
to have walked this earth,
that the mutation inside of me is a part of nature's law to evolve
and that I am just a dot on a parabola that shifts
with the demands of an evolutionary process we have defied.
Who am I to escape what others have not,
who am I to be spared the terrors of
the plagues, the droughts, the wars,
to have been born in my time and my circumstance?
Had I any choice or any power that
are dying--and that is just time.
And it brings me a sense of balance,
if not a sense of peace or complete freedom from disquiet,
that I am no more special than any other being
to have walked this earth,
that the mutation inside of me is a part of nature's law to evolve
and that I am just a dot on a parabola that shifts
with the demands of an evolutionary process we have defied.
Who am I to escape what others have not,
who am I to be spared the terrors of
the plagues, the droughts, the wars,
to have been born in my time and my circumstance?
Had I any choice or any power that
I be spared those sufferings
and the sufferings to come as surely as our sun shines?
I would count myself blessed.
So Death, come, kiss me, and take me, or not.
I do not fear your coming,
but if I have any say,
I would like to drink a while longer
and the sufferings to come as surely as our sun shines?
I would count myself blessed.
So Death, come, kiss me, and take me, or not.
I do not fear your coming,
but if I have any say,
I would like to drink a while longer
while we sit together.
