Shannon

I am grateful
that I don't have to explain--
you just know--

you have lived the moments
of someone's last moments
and have felt the hopelessness
the powerlessness--
astounded
and aghast
at the cruelty and stupidity
of humanity--
feelings that peel
the surface from your soul
a layer at a time
as you give your skin to cover
someone else's wounds
again and again and again
until you've given your muscle
and veins and blood and nerves--
all that is left is the bone
that doesn't feel--
doesn't care
and even that is ground into dust

there is a quiet acceptance
for people like us
(people who know that evil
will never be vanquished
and that trauma never fades)

that we hold the line
to protect the masses from themselves

there is a pain that aches to be cradled
a heart that wishes
permission to shed the carapace
and a fear that asking
allowance to be weak
with those who need us to be strong
over and over and over
is exhausting to those who love us

it's not fair to them
that we give everything to strangers
and ask our families to carry
the debt
that is why we say nothing

and instead we hold each other
standing
in taught silence
in a field of iron, our hands covered in chalk
(we lift and lower and slam and drive
and sweat in the hopes that
there will be no rivulets left to spill from our eyes
because our vision has to remain clear
to witness and recognize)
mine, small and pale
in yours, thick and veined, and covered in freckles
and springy brown hair

and I am grateful
for the company,
even if I wish you weren't lost enough
to be here with me

Camelot

When you ask me:

What is love to you?

and

What do you mean
when you say I love you?

This is my answer:

I love the world
I would take a bullet for the world
It is my duty as a citizen
to defend you as a citizen
from the wicked
the depraved
the evil that exists

that is my baseline

but

when I say
I love you
my darling

it means that if
I had to choose
between you and the world

the world can burn.

Confession 2.24.19

I don’t know how to tell you
that I’ve bolted a hundred times in my mind today
;
my sisters have had to talk me into stillness
and remind me
of the years of compacted intimacy
and vulnerability
before I learned to trust them

"it is easier to reject someone
before they reject you
try to be braver than that"

I weave her wisdom into ropes
to tether myself
but I never learned how to tie knots

and I don’t think you understand
I am waging a battle
against myself—
against the instinct of a millions cells
in my body telling me to run from you—
from the end of this high

and I don’t know
how to tell you
that I know all of this
is external of who you actually are,
but I am struggling to maintain
the distinction

and I am losing against myself
(I don’t know how much longer I can sustain
this state of vulnerability)
and slipping away

because as heady as this is
as alive as you make me feel
the numbness and disconnect
the comfort of space on my
raw soul’s flesh
feel safer

part of me wants you to give up on me
because I know how to process that—
the resolution of abandonment
is familiar
and easier
and solitude is comforting--

and I am terrified that telling you all of this
that speaking it
even just writing it here
will breathe it into reality

and that pain
I cannot bear

Lindsay

Unapologetically bombastic

breathtakingly truthful

With you I am rediscovering 

the desire for a future past tomorrow

Confession 2.22.19

These are my confessions
on my first yoga session
shirtless:

Even in the dark
your hand cupping my fingers
your palm cradling my ribs

the voice in my head
whispering I'm repulsive
is stronger than your voice
telling me I'm beautiful
and perfect

I know you're not lying--
I can hear it in your voice--
be patient
I'm trying to believe you

CJ

Is there a word for
the moment
when two souls fall in tandem?

Happy 3 Year Remission (Happy Holidays!)

Look, I find some of what you teach suspect

Because I'm used to relying on intellect

But I try to open up to what I don't know

Because reason says I should have died

Three years ago.

-RENT 'Life Support'