"You have such a great attitude."
"I don't know how you can be so optimistic."
"I could never be as brave as you."
"You are the strongest person I know."
I always thought it was odd for people to say these things to me while I was going through chemotherapy. I have never believed myself to be anything but terrified during the whole process. In fact the only thing that terrified me more was the feeling of terror itself. The feeling of overwhelming unpredictability--the complete uncertainty of everything was paralyzing. The only way I could cope with it was by ignoring it completely.
I actually had people become indignant at my apparent blase attitude regarding my own mortality. I couldn't explain all of this. I can only explain why I chose to actively work against my own consciousness. I never want to feel that feeling ever again.
